Personal Health Update

March 31, 2023

Personal Health Update

Health Update | Colitis & My Eating Disorder Recovery (ARFID)

Hello friends, I just thought I'd do a blogpost on something more personal and give you guys an update on my health. I haven't been making a lot of personal blogs in awhile because I wasn't ready to talk about certain things publicly, and most of my blogs now are Bible studies for women as I want to keep the focus of my blog mostly on the Lord Jesus Christ.

But some of you have been following my blog and YouTube channel for a long time and I thought I would provide an update on my health as I had made videos and blog posts in the past regarding it. I also want to talk about how the Lord has been helping me through my health crisis.

In late 2019 I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis. Ulcerative Colitis is a chronic, inflammatory bowel disease that causes inflammation in the digestive tract. I struggled with a flareup basically for months initially and eventually over time I went into remission (for awhile). Even during remission I occasionally have digestive issues though not as bad. I've had chronic gastritis too for many years and some hormonal health issues and I also get chronic fatigue, muscle aches, joint pain and nerve pain sometimes as well.

Even though I received a diagnosis, because of my fear and anxiety over the Pandemic in 2020, I stopped seeing the doctors and tried to manage on my own. I also joined a support group online for those with inflammatory bowel diseases which seemed helpful at first, but I believe it actually gave me more fear than anything. I don't want to discourage anyone from joining support groups but for me personally, reading about people's horrible symptoms as well as all of the bad side effects from various medications and surgeries made me WAY more fearful about it and I just didn't realize it at first. I also knew two women from the group who died from the disease.

My trying to manage my illness on my own meant that I put myself on too strict of a restrictive diet. Because of my digestive problems and having difficulty eating so many foods -- many foods made my flareups worse -- I actually developed an eating disorder called ARFID - avoidant restrictive food intake disorder. It sometimes occurs in people with IBD or IBS. Avoidant-restrictive food intake disorder, commonly known as ARFID, is an eating disorder characterized by the persistant refusal to eat specific foods or refusal to eat any type of food due to a negative response.

I didn't even realize that I had this disorder until after trying some foods (that I hadn't eaten in awhile), and I experienced major panic attacks. I had an unconscious fear of certain foods that were outside of my "safe/preferred foods list" causing me illness, pain and flareups. Because of my colitis, some foods really do cause illness and pain for me and can make my symptoms worse especially if I'm having a flareup. But potentially there may be many other foods that I could still eat. It takes time to slowly reintroduce them. I'm still in recovery for this eating disorder, however I am doing much better than I was with it. I've realized that there can be ups and downs with eating disorders as well.

I do want to say that I believe I may have planted seeds for the possibility of developing an eating disorder even before I had colitis. In the past I believe now that I had disordered eating, where I had tried all kinds of strict, unhealthy diets such as vegetarian, vegan, raw food, paleo, keto, really high fiber, "clean eating", detoxes, cleanses, fasting, etc. Almost all of these diets demonize entire food groups! I went on diets for weight loss at times, but I also went on diets trying to make myself "healthier." But non of these diets ever really improved my health! My years as a newager, where eating in certain ways was seen as you being "more spiritual", was another seed planted in my past for developing an eating disorder. In high-school, a boy that I had a crush on made some rude, hurtful comments about my appearance and I put myself on a very strict diet and lost some weight. So, my disordered eating actually began in high-school. I also had body-image and self-esteem issues at various times in my life too.

So basically, for about 2 years I had been eating very restrictively and fear was also building up inside of me. Couple that with the traumatic Pandemic and being a Highly Sensitive Person and I started to have full blown anxiety and panic attacks. My nutrient deficiencies and low protein and low calorie intake only made my anxiety worse. I was spending a lot of time reading and studying scripture, taking care of my family, homeschooling my daughter and I honestly thought that I was handling things well - my illness, the Pandemic, etc but I really wasn't. I was unconsciously making myself very ill by being too restrictive with my diet.

When I look back on it now, I was trying really hard to control my eating so that I could try to control my illness. But, I was also probably unconsciously doing it in reaction to the unpredictable times - many of us felt like we had no control over the various results of the Pandemic and the upheavals in politics, the economy etc and so for me I felt like I really only had control over my own eating habits. I really needed to just rest, and also stop paying so much attention to worldly things like the news. I learned a hard lesson about guarding my mind!

Because of the Pandemic lockdowns and staying home a lot, I also temporarily developed agoraphobia, which is a fear of leaving your house. I've had this at different times in my life in the past as well. I'm a highly sensitive person (something I only recently realized!) and so changes in my environment can lead to sensory overwhelm. Basically, anytime I would go out, even though at first I really wanted to go out, I would suddenly have a panic or anxiety attack because my brain and nervous system was trying to process the new stimuli. I had to get used to going out again! Exposure therapy eventually helped this, which means that I had to slowly get used to new environments, driving around with my husband, going out shopping etc. I'm a real homebody too and an introvert so I had to make myself go out at times, even when I had awful anxiety and was shaking from it! I make an effort to go out at least once or twice a week now with my husband.

I finally reached a point also with my health where I knew I really needed to see a doctor. My strength and energy really plummeted. I was also underweight for the first time in my life and didn't know how to gain weight back! I was scared and felt like I was knocking on deaths door.

Just going to that Dr appointment was so difficult. I had severe anxiety (I almost ran out of the clinic, but my husband helped calm me down!) and just walking into the office and back to the car was very painful and left me sore for 2 days! I'm sad to say that my doctor did NOT recommend a Dietitian, physical therapy or talk therapy. He didn't even mention my weight or ask me about my diet. He prescribed anxiety pills (which I was too afraid to take!) and bloodwork (I needed the bloodwork done; and I'm not trying to discourage anyone from taking medication if they need it). The labs revealed that I had a vitamin d deficiency and low in protein. I started taking a vitamin d supplement but it made me feel really strange! The Dr told me to try a different brand and a lower dose and thankfully I found one in a gummy supplement form that didn't make me feel strange and in a few months my levels normalized. I also had some anxiety about being in the sun because I had tried to just get a little sun, but because I was so pale I sunburned really quickly!

But just taking a daily supplement wasn't enough to get my health back. In a few weeks after my Dr appointment, I was so weak that I became bedridden. My husband had to buy me a wheelchair and push me around if I went anywhere. I couldn't even bathe myself anymore. Just holding my head up was difficult and exhausting. Standing up and walking just 6 steps to the bathroom from my bed would totally wear me out! My husband and daughter had to help me with almost everything- preparing meals, etc and I couldn't clean house at all so they had to do all of that! I couldn't hold regular utensils because they were too heavy, so I started using plastic silverware, plastic cups, paper plates and I ate in bed. Sitting at the table was way too difficult.

I also had tried walking into the living room one day, and I felt a sharp pain go up my legs, my back and down my arms into my hands! It was an awful nerve pain. That pain lasted for 3 long months in my left hand only slowly improving over time. I couldn't even move it for a long time and so it became stiff! That hands strength is still weaker than my other hand!

I decided to get more help, so I started seeing a Dietitian (I also found a different doctor that I liked!). I even considered going to an eating disorder rehab center but they are expensive and don't usually specialize in treating eating disorders for people who also have colitis (I don't want to discourage anyone from going to one - get whatever help you need!). They also wouldn't allow visitors because of the Pandemic! I needed my family!

My Dietitian though was a big help. Overtime she helped me increase my calorie intake, eat more protein, take my supplements daily, and bring in more foods into my diet. I was able to get to a healthier weight and my energy was coming back. This actually was not easy. I had to get used to eating more food.

I also began to talk with a Christian-friendly Therapist regularly and I also was doing weekly Bible study with a dear friend who is also a Christian life coach (Deborah Johnson). They both helped me a lot to deal with my fears, anxiety, depression, and all of the guilt and shame I was feeling too. I had to really learn to give myself grace!

Most of my family and friends were also supportive. My husband and daughter were very supportive though it was definitely hard on all of us. I missed being able to take care of them and do my homemaking- in fact, I used to dream about cleaning again! I also talked regularly in text with one of my best friends, who is also a sister in Christ and she was always so encouraging and supportive! I was deeply touched when a few old friends contacted me as well to say that they cared about me and were keeping me in their prayers.

I also began to go to physical therapy and this was so difficult and painful, especially at first, but absolutely necessary. I literally had lost almost all of my muscle strength (and flexibility!) and so it has been a long journey! I'm still doing physical therapy and walking more each day and week. It's a slow progress because I still sometimes have chronic fatigue and colitis flareups.

After several months I was really making progress! I was able to walk into my dining room almost daily and starting to be able to do a little more for myself. My anxiety was also improving and my eating was better. I began to read books on eating disorders, intuitive eating, body positivity, mental health, creating healthy boundaries, healing from trauma, and I learned that I am a highly sensitive person (a big revelation for me as it explained so much about me!). This experience with my health also brought a lot of things forward regarding my mental health. I knew I could turn to God for help to get through this difficult time and so I spent more time meditating on scriptures. Bible verses on grace, forgiveness, our identity in Christ, overcoming fear and anxiety, etc were all really helpful.

But I did also eventually hit a brick wall again. I started having colitis flareups again for a few months and then my colitis calmed down but then I started having awful chronic fatigue flareups (which I still sometimes have). It included all over body aches, major fatigue and major brain fog at times too. When I say fatigue and bodyaches, I mean that there were days when it was difficult to even stand up! I had bloodwork done and everything looked normal, no deficiencies and I was checked for various autoimmune diseases too but nothing abnormal was ever found. My colitis was also in remission. This lasted off and on for a few months. I tried to continue doing my physical therapy for awhile but couldn't keep my appointments because of these flareups and eventually I just had to stop.The last month of the flareups was the worst. I adopted the "spoon theory" technique to help manage my energy levels a little better.

"The spoon theory is a self-pacing strategy that emphasizes the need for chronic pain patients to work to a certain quota. People with chronic fatigue start each day with a set number of proverbial spoons, each one representing the physical and mental energy it takes to complete a daily task or activity. Smaller tasks, like showering or getting dressed, may cost only one spoon, while larger tasks, like cooking or vacuuming, may take three or four spoons. On days with increased pain, even smaller tasks may require multiple spoons."

I was starting to feel depressed because I really wanted to just get better. It was very frustrating to have this fatigue and bodyaches and nothing that I could do about it but rest.

But then I decided to just surrender to the situation and accepted it and REALLY let myself REST when I needed to, and I also decided to try to think more hopeful thoughts about my future. I also chose to try and focus my thoughts more on what I was thankful for and to have more compassion and grace towards myself too. I did my best to take care of myself. I reminded myself often that God loves me, I'm completely forgiven and no matter what happens - if I ever fully recover or not, I still have value. I also thought often of our blessed hope!

Then, eventually my chronic fatigue started improving, thank goodness. So, in January of this year (2023) I went back to physical therapy and started making some progress again. I'm still in recovery at the time of writing this, but glad to say I'm walking more, doing more things for myself and I'm even doing some light chores around the house!

During this whole experience, there were those in my life who were supportive and helpful to me and those who were not supportive at all! This caused me to really think about my relationships more and set healthy boundaries.

There were even some people in my life who never once tried to contact me, visit me, call me, send a get-well note card in the mail, etc even knowing what I was going through. That is hurtful, but I choose to forgive them just as Christ has forgiven me! I also realize that some people simply don't understand eating disorders, anxiety disorders or having chronic pain, illness and fatigue. People today try to place their value in how productive they are, how healthy they are, how they look, how much money they have, etc. So, a sick, bedridden person with an eating disorder, colitis, chronic fatigue and anxiety will be looked down upon by some people! I was even told by someone close to me that I was just lazy and making people do everything for me! This person simply had NO EMPATHY.

Also, a dear sister in Christ said something to me that I had not thought of. When I first became ill, I told her that my family had to do almost everything for me and she basically said, "That's good! This is a way for them to learn to allow Christ to live in and through them. To be of loving service to someone else. It's teaching them compassion and service." I had NEVER thought of it that way! At the time, when I was still working through issues of shame and guilt, I just saw myself as some horrible burden to my family, yet Christ could use my situation to help spiritually mature my family! Amazing! One person saw my situation as despicable, while another person saw it as an opportunity for Christ Jesus to have my family learn something that is of eternal value!

Sadly even among believers, if you struggle with a disorder, illness, mental health issues etc they might label you as "not spiritual enough" or "not having enough faith", or "not studying the Bible enough". But, I'm learning that it doesn't matter what other people think! It only matters what God thinks of me and He considers me (and all believers) as His dearly beloved! He loves me totally and completely! I can also love myself (a healthy self-love for who I am in Christ; not narcissism!). Any weaknesses that I have (and we all have weaknesses!) I remember this verse:

2 Corinthians 12:9 KJV

"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

When I was first diagnosed I did feel "embarrassed and ashamed," (I've worked through that for the most part now) but I've since realized that we all have our various issues and weaknesses and I also did not do this to myself intentionally. Trying to push myself too hard would only make my chronic fatigue flareups worse. So I have learned to go at my own pace, doing the best that I can instead of trying to meet other people's or societies standards.

Even as Grace believers, we still have earthly, carnal bodies that are prone to sickness, disease (including sometimes mental illness) and death. One day though believers will have glorified bodies and we will be free of all sin, sickness, pain and disease and will be with the Lord for all of eternity! We have a blessed hope!

I've also really realized the importance of taking care of ourselves. If we don't take care of ourselves properly, we cannot take care of others! I'm also realizing the importance of mental health and taking every thought captive! Fear doesn't always just pop up overnight. Sometimes it builds up overtime and we might not realize it! I try to be much more aware of my thinking! I also stopped watching and reading the news, left social media, don't listen to fear-based or legalistic messages and teachings, don't follow conspiracy theories, stopped following politics, don't watch any violent movies or TV shows, etc -- all of these things can contribute to bad mental health. Just a little stress, fear and anxiety each day can build up overtime!

I'm making progress, though I still have flareups and health issues, but I'm getting there! Slow progress is still progress! And recovery is different for everyone! Life isn't always perfect, there are loops and twirls and lots of ups and downs! Things won't be perfect until we are in heaven!

I really have a lot of compassion, sympathy and empathy for people struggling with chronic pain, chronic illness, chronic fatigue, digestive health issues, eating disorders, disabilities, are bedridden and those who have mental health issues, anxiety, fear, phobias, and depression. Really, I have a lot of compassion for anyone struggling with any physical or mental illness!

It's really through Gods love and grace and various helpful resources, Bible teachers, therapists, my dietitian and the support of my husband, daughter, my mom, my best friends, fellow believers and other family and friends that I am getting through this difficult time! I am really so thankful most of all that the Lord Jesus Christ has helped me to get through this difficult time in my life. The even more amazing thing is that I do feel like I've grown more spiritually through this and I think often of these verses:

2 Corinthians 4:16-17

King James Version

16 For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day.

17 For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory;

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

3 Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort;

4 Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.

Phil 3:20-21

For our conversation is in heaven; from whence also we look for the Saviour, the Lord Jesus Christ:

Who shall change our vile body, that it may be fashioned like unto his glorious body, according to the working whereby he is able even to subdue all things unto himself.